Feeling like a fraud?
We made the decision to pull 6 of our school-aged kids out of the public school to homeschool them. It took two weeks before school started to finally decide.
Party of Ten is a new, guest post series, by a mom deep in the throws of mothering. A wife and mom to eight children, Jamie writes from a tender heart, the experiences, the dilemmas, the struggles and the joys of large family living. She is real, transparent and intertwines the journey with encouragement, devotion and sincerity.
I started scrambling to figure out the material to use and how the days would flow.
Of course, I turned to Instagram and started following all things ‘homeschool’. The creativity and beauty of some people have no bounds. They post pictures of pressed flower booklets while their daughters sit in fields adorned in flower crowns, while I have a paper man hanging from my wall with scribbles of what are supposed to be organs and bones but surely wouldn’t keep that man alive in real life. They post of read-a-louds of volumes of books they’ve read and I’m still trying to convince my kids that the book actually came before the movie.
I don’t feel like a homeschool mom.
I run. I sometimes run in long races. I don’t run fast. I try really hard, but I hit a limit. I’m embarrassed to post pictures of my running accomplishments because I feel like a fake.
I love food, cooking and everything about it. I study how to nourish the body. When I hear organic this and whole food that, my heart races. I have such a desire to eat and cook clean and at the same time (let me finish this last bite of my Big Mac) I like fast food and my kids will surely die if they have to eat peas. I feel like a fake about food.
Today as I was reading to two of my boys, there was a part that stood out in the book. So far, we know that in a family full of boys, the old prophet in the kingdom comes to tell them that one of them is the Wilderking. It’s the unlikely brother, Aiden, the one who is youngest and weakest. He says to the prophet, “But I don’t feel like the Wilderking”. Then the prophet bends down to the boy and says, “Let me tell you a secret. I don’t usually feel like a prophet.” Aiden responds back, “the great Truthspeaker not a real prophet? Now you’re teasing me”. “No, no, no. I didn’t say I wasn’t the real prophet. I said I don’t feel like a prophet. But my feelings have nothing to do with it. I am Corenwald’s Truthspeaker because the One God shows me the truth, and I speak it”.
It made me think. I have so many feels all day long. But my feels aren’t my truths.
I’m teaching my kids at home, so I am a homeschool mom. I run, so I am a runner. I cook us food that nourishes our bodies, so I’m a cook.
When I stop listening to my feelings and start focusing on the gifts and desires I’ve been given, I’m free. I’m free to enjoy it all. I’m free to see where I need improvement without feeling like a fraud.
I’m free to be encouraged by others successes without feeling envious. I’m free to jump ship on an idea or hobby I thought I liked but don’t. I’m free to take up playing an instrument, or painting, or marathon training. I’m free to acknowledge failure without feeling defeated. Ultimately, I’m free to love how God made me and therefore spill that over into all the lives around me.
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